Hey there! I know you’re a very busy person, no doubt at this moment about to go to the store or weed your garden or finish reading the newspaper or having that yoga or meditation session you’ve been putting off (concentrating can be so exhausting!), but might I trouble you, briefly, about what, for me, is a somewhat important topic? I’m on my way to choir practice, in fact, at the Holy Gospel Church of Zion of the Eternal Fire-roasted, so I understand what it means to be busy, and I shall be brief. Just look at me! Take a really good look.
You must surely recognize me as representative of solanum lycopersicum, once colloquially known as tomatl by the Nahuatl in my Mexican homeland, which you modern people have perverted into “tomato”, which is quite all right with me. I am a Chef’s Choice by the way, not to be confused with Big or Better or especially Jersey Boys, or Big or Early Girls, or Orange or Black Icicles, or the Jetstar or Mr Dreamy or Tigerella (wasn’t that a movie with Jane Fonda?) or Great White (I thought that was a…never mind) and hasn’t this endless breeding and hybridization gotten out of hand?
No matter. What you might notice, my friend (and we are all friends of tomatoes, are we not? especially those of the homegrown variety, yum?) is my striking appearance. Look at me! If you “grow your own”, as we say, you’ve no doubt encountered any number of garden product that, like myself, are “different.” Perhaps these amuse you, or even delight you. Hopefully you eat us anyway, which is the whole point.
So are you aware of this hideous prejudice amongst your species for what is grotesquely defined as “perfect”? – as in “uniform and boring” – produce? An insulting and pointless and perhaps meaningless standard that keeps product like myself off the shelves of commercial establishments, because it would be unwanted and unsellable? Just for our looks? I hope this bothers you, and that you’ll do what you can to change this grotesque practice. Talk to your deluded friends, write petitions online, contact your political and agricultural leaders! This must change! Sorry to sound so strident, but that’s the kind of fruit that I am. That’s right, I am a fruit – in fact I’m a berry, in case you didn’t know – and not a vegetable as the many misinformed believe. And please don’t bring up Nix vs Heddon, that ridiculous Supreme Court decision of 1893, that only applies to the Tariff of 1883 anyway. Humans are so ridiculous. But thanks for growing me, and bon appetit!
