There come times in the Course of Human events, when things get so out of Hand regarding Human and Interspecies Understanding, that it becomes Necessary for one Creature or another to speak up, and try to help the wayward Species – which seems to always be homo sapiens in one way or another (and I am not making that up) –  to get clear on a few Things.  As far as most Creatures are concerned, Sapes tend to be a Clueless lot, and in the current Day this seems to really be getting out of Hand.  It also happens to be one which I consider to be a family Matter.  My family, of course is felidae, known better among Sapes as Cats.  When it comes to my family, I can say that Sapes have developed what can only be described as an Attitude, and by “attitude” I mean the kind of thing that can lead to a Street Fight, at least among Cats, as in “hey, you giving me some kind of attitude?” in which case it’s time to get your Claws out, buster, and be ready to Rumble.

I am not speaking of the long and Honorable Co-existence that our Species have shared for ten thousand years or more, which Sapes in their usual prideful way like to think of in terms of “Domestication,” giving themselves all the Credit for promoting some kind of co-habitation and Mutually Advantageous Circumstance for all concerned.  This has been more the case with Sapes and Dogs (and I bet you were waiting for me to bring them up sooner or later) than with us Cats.  Yes indeed, we two are  more or less the Flagship Species in the Sape household order of “Domestication.”  That said,  even your own Sape research, or any crude Observation of the Way it Works with us “house pets” (a term I loathe yet find charmingly Naive), presents two very different Pictures.

From the very beginning, those Outlaws among the canidae Family who found a Good Deal by hanging out around primitive Sape settlements may have been driven by a Simple Quest for table scraps.  Even in those days it was no Secret that Sapes reigned supreme as the Deadliest Hunters in all of history, so it was a No Brainer for those early canine adapters to find a place in the Sape Order of Things  –   or risk becoming Dinner themselves.  Those Doggies taking their chances may have been Fools, but soon enough they all figured out there was a Catch, which was the rejection of all claims to Wildness.  Their “Wisdom”, if you want to call it that, was that there’s no Honor when it comes to Survival, which meant you rose to the Challenge of becoming an effective guard Dog, or hunting Dog, or herding Dog, and found whatever Joy there was in that.  

Far be it for me to get entangled in silly arguments about “Who’s smarter, Cats or Dogs?”  –  which is just a whole lot of Sape Hooey anyway  –  but I’m a big enough Cat to admit that no felidae of my Acquaintance could begin to match Wits with a Border Collie, for instance.  My guess is even your Run-of-the-Mill BC could Psyche Out a Cat as readily as they manage it with Sheep, which is kind of a Creepy Talent, when you think about It.  Last time I checked, the whole notion of “herding Cats” still stood as the Archetypal Example of an Impossible Task.  I’ve known a few Border Collies who might dispute This and would be more than willing to prove Otherwise, but thankfully they’re too busy earning a Good Living in Sheep Country to want to bother to prove Anything.  But I digress.

The point is that canidae were recruited into Sape households, whereas the Cats who drifted in that direction were more like Opportunists, doing their Thing amongst the Sapes just as they did in the Wild, such as killing Mice and small Birds and other tasty Morsels.  Of course this turned out to be a Good Deal for Sapes as a means of Protection of their Grain Stores from the ravages of Mus musculus domesticus and the like, making it kind of a win-win for everybody except for those getting eaten.  And when it came to other snacks like Snakes and Scorpions, those particular items on the felidae menu helped make us into Gods back in ancient Egypt, where Cats became Pampered Pets in the royal household and genuine Players in the Pharoahs’ holy mythology.  Of course, as is so often the case with Sape religion, things got kind of Twisted to the point where Cats were getting bred for the sake of being Sacrificed and Mummified by the thousands, in a Tragic Turn of events.  Better we should’ve just kept to the Wild and settled for a Diet to be had far from Human Habitation, leaving the Pharaohs and their ilk to deal with asps and such on their own.  The temptation of Easy Living has been the Bane of many a species, not just Cats, and that is not about to change Anytime Soon. 

Among felidae there remains a lively Debate to this day about whether all Cats, not just those found in the Jungles and in Zoos but also Felus catus  – the pussies of your Sape households and Neighborhoods which includes Yours Truly  –  remain Feral in their essence, as well.  Hunters and Survivors we always were, and Such shall we remain, and this goes especially for those of us overrunning Greek islands and Sape cities and villages all over the World.  It’s a sign of how far Relations have developed among Sapes and Cats that those of the latter, living among Sape populations in Modern Times Wild and Free, have not been subjected to any Form of genocide.  But hey! We’re way too Cute to deserve that fate!  Better to try Controlled Breeding Programs, or getting more aggressive about enrolling Wild Kitties into Sape households whether they like it or not.  I myself happen to be of One of These, and proudly bear the Clipped Ear that is testimony to my roots as a Street Cat, neutered in the cause of Street Cat population control.  

Would you believe that at one time I was just another Tabby in the ‘hood? Tabbies by the way also go by the name Grey Tiger (I love that) or Mackerel Tabby (that one’s harder to love).  Two thirds of all the Cats in the world are Tabbies  –  you got a problem with that?  So there I was, Living Free in the Urban Jungle, when One day I got scooped up (that’s a euphemism for “trapped”) and wound up in some “Shelter” where in fact it was nothing but Barking and Bedlam.  Aside from the Terror and Ignominy of all that, Fate dictated that I get sent to a “Loving Home”, which turned out to be a Living Unit chock full of  –  you guessed it  –  Sapes!  Where I faced not only Way Too Much of what Sapes call “attention”, but which also resulted in being subjected to the usual Sape practice of being given a “Name” or specific designation in the Sape language, which in my case happened to be English.  Would you believe the Name that resulted was –  excuse my French –  Bootsy Boo?!  I kid you not.  Would you not agree that some names that Sapes assign to their Pet Animals are so treacly sweet as to border on Obscenity?  Thank you for your Understanding.

You can bet I soon made my sentiments Perfectly Clear to those who brought about that Perfect Disaster, which led to my Eviction from that Place and to my eventual Current Situation and more tolerable name, where I am Left Alone or Stimulated or Let Outside then Inside then Out etc. as I see fit.  Yep it’s almost as Good as the Wild, maybe Better, but please don’t tell my Sape co-habitants.

Which finally gets us to the Matter of what one might call Sape Attitude, something which, as all nonSapes know, can sometimes border on Perversion.  For one thing, how is it that somehow all the Mammals Fish Birds Amphibians and Reptiles of the World proudly know they are Animals, yet all too many Sapes see themselves as Something Other?  As in “to act like an Animal” is somehow beneath their Dignity, a betrayal of their supposed Superiority?  I mean, how silly and Ridiculous and totally saturated with Hubris can you get?  Don’t get me started on the whole Dominion Thing found in Genesis  –  and yes, lots of we “Animals” know a few things about the Sape “Holy Bible.” We also know that the name homo sapiens, the term Sapes have assigned to themselves, means “Wise human?”  Can you Believe that?  I cannot tell you of how many noneSapes gag at the thought, and if you’ve never seen an Elephant or Whale gag, it’s beyond funny, or would be if it wasn’t due to something so Disgusting.

There is so much about Sape Attitude that needs to be said, but in the interest of Brevity not all will be said Here at this Time, and chances are you are most Thankful for that, and you’re welcome. I was offered Space on this website with the Permission to Rave but to be Brief about it, and obviously this does not come Easily.  For when does a Rave become a Rant, and one Cat’s idea of Brief turn out to be what a Sape might consider Lengthy and Insufferable?  Interspecies communication is fraught with such Perils, in case you didn’t know.

So let us stick to Cat/Sape Issues of the current Day, or what one might consider Pet Peeves of mine, which I’ve every right to have at this point, living as a bonafide Pet in a Sape household, if you haven’t figured that out by now.  If you need Proof of this I refer you to the vast Photographic Evidence showing the Places I Eat and Sleep and Hang Out, and are you not mightily impressed?  Yes I have the Run of this Place, for which I am most grateful, though the best Part is that Bootsy Boo has become a long-forgotten bit of forgettable History, and the Odd Affectation of a Sape “name” I’ve been assigned is Felice.  Things could be worse. 

Did you know there is a rather Famous Poem by a rather Famous Sape author entitled “The Naming of Cats”?  It’s one of many Cat-related Rhymes found in a book that was made into a musical Play that was made into a Movie, the latter two of which are way more Famous than the book.  I am speaking of course of the works of Andrew Stearns Lloyd Eliot Thomas Webber, as their most Prodigious collective Name might be expressed.  One of them, a Highbrow extremely Literary and highly-esteemed Poet of the early 20th century, wrote extremely Erudite and dead-Serious poetry, as well as one lighthearted volume of “Children’s” poetry in a book he titled Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.  As if Cats are not worthy of Deep Existential commentary or whatever, but anyway it was not a Runaway best-seller in its day or perhaps it was, at least in England (I don’t know and don’t Care) but what truly hit the heights of Sape fame was the Musical by the other Guy, whereby he dispensed with all the Possum Nonsense but just stuck with the poems and their catchy Rhythms and Rhymes (little or none of the poet’s “serious”work, which eschewed Cats for the most part or maybe Completely, was catchy in any way and are you surprised?).  In the end what we got was Cats.  As if you didn’t know that already.  You heard of it?  Seen it more than once? Like one of the 7485 Performances on Broadway over eighteen years?  

Clearly these two Sape Artists had something going for themselves, at least when it came to their adoring Sape Audiences, but the question never asked is did they get it Right?  That is, when it comes to any Truths or Insights or flattering Comments regarding Us, the living breathing Animals the Sape species knows as Cats?  To put it another way:  Is Cats about CATS?  Or something Else entirely?

Tom the Poet (the perfect name for a Sape male writing about Cats) certainly has a lot of fun with his Rhymes and Names and cartoony Characters and stories.   The Word is that he wrote them for his Godchildren (real Cats have Lots of Godchildren and maybe the Man was in Tune with that), and some of the Themes are indeed Cat-related, such as Cat/Mouse relations and Cat Willfulness and Contrariness, stuff regarding Cats that every Sape knows about at some Point.   But most of it is just Silly: cats as Magicians and Pirates and Actors and mischievous Thieves and Troublemakers. There are a few Morsels of Insight, some particularly sharp Commentary about how the Essence of Dogs amounts to their being Simple and Easy-going and Fun, which for the most Part is something upon which Sapes and Cats and pretty much the whole Animal Kingdom agrees, though this is in no way the Whole Truth.  

Tom does get a bit carried away with Names. Cat Names and Cat Attitudes about Names are a huge part of the Book’s appeal, and the Joke among real Cats is that Tom, the Sape Word Guy, doesn’t get It, at all.  What’s True is that Names like Rumpelteazer and Macavity and Mungojerrie (remember the band that had that great Hit song In the Summertime?), which delightfully roll off the Tongue and no Doubt thrilled the Man’s Godchildren, are Products of a Language that Cats and all nonSapes for that Matter do not speak (avian Mimics don’t count, thank you very Much).  I could try to Explain to you how nonSapes readily identify one another in other ways, by Scent and Vibes and means that nonSapes in their ignorance might call Extrasensory, but there is no Point in trying to Explain it beyond that, as you just wouldn’t get It.  Old Possum wrote his Book for his Godchildren and Literary posterity, but it has almost Nothing to do with the Furry long-tailed Critters hanging out on the Streets and napping in the Warm corners of Sape living spaces.

As for Cats?  A far more Dynamic Experience, for sure, chock full of the Grace and Fluidity that are the Essence of Cats, the Real Thing.  Watching a performance will Impress any legitimate Cat Audience, and bring home how much Talent and Labor are required for Sapes to begin to Mimic what every Cat manages every day just Being a Cat.  I do not mean that Haughtily or Smugly.  Every species possesses its own Particular Glory, and Grace of Motion happens to be one of ours (along with Gazelles and Greyhounds and a few others).  And the Makeup and Costume Geniuses working on the Show generate some startling Transformations;  who would’ve thought that Sapes could begin to mimic Feline Pulchritude in such an Accurate Fashion?  

Ah, but Cats is weighted down by the Same limitations as the Text on which it is based, and of course there’s that Lovely song Memories that was such a Megahit, but no Cat in their Right Mind would sing such a Song, even if we could carry a Tune in that Manner, which of Course we can’t.  Nostalgia and Happiness and Hope are Sape concerns for the most Part, though it’s Possible Orcas and Elephants have a grasp on Such Things, or so I’ve heard.  Cats and most other nonSapes live in the Moment. We pass through our Daily Terrors and Contentments in a way whereby Memory might be a Useful tool for us to Survive and get what we Want (we’re a Transactional species and do not Apologize for that), but far be it for Us to dwell (or drown) in it Like Grizabella.  Of course many Sapes can’t get enough of That Song, but all This Cat can say is I just don’t get It.  Cats is definitely worth a Cat’s time, though, at least for One Viewing, or so says This Cat, who gives it three and a half Paws.  But Good luck seeing it in a Theater, for with Typical Sape Irony it seems Cats are not allowed to buy Tickets or enter a Venue where their Namesake Show might be playing.  It’s Pathetic.

Of course the Apotheosis of Pathetic, when it Comes to Cat/Sape misunderstanding, has Arisen with the arrival of the World Wide Web, and can it get more Embarrassing than to have your Species declared “the unofficial Mascot” of that Realm of Total Mindlessness?  Whereby you and Yours are the “most viewed” content or something to that Effect, achieving what some describe as “Iconic Status?”  Have you any Idea of what it is like to be Fodder for a grotesque Happy/Feel Good industry dispensing Cheap Thrills worldwide on a 24/7 Basis?  

Back in Simpler Times, Cats like Krazy and Garfield, Fritz and Felix, entertained and sometimes inspired in an unhurried, thoughtful Way.  Of course, they were Mere Vehicles for the their Sape Creators’ Ideas and Concepts, but the Fact that a Cat was involved affected the Final Product in a good way, for the Most Part. No Harm was done.  Oh, but now we have Grumpy and Lil’ Bub, Maru and Cats That Look Like Hitler.  We have LOLCats and their inane idiotic Grammar that started with I Can Has Cheeseburger.  As a semi-articulate Sape might put it:  “Jeezus there’s way too much to unpack here” and as a nonSape I must confess Bewilderment that borders on Terror (and Cats do not scare Easily, in spite of what you may Think).  Sapes and their Technology have made Cats into a Rorschach for human emotions, a Cheap Means for escaping Boredom (a Healthy state of Being in which a Cat can revel a good Part of the Day and come out the better for it, while Sapes just go Nuts), and a Drug for Instant Happiness.  “Cats and the Internet” has become an Academic Field of Study, and by now there are no doubt Grants and Foundations fueling the Frenzy.  Where will it All End?

At least one Valuable Fact revealed by Research is that while Cat popularity on the Internet is a Thing in much of the World, Sapes in Uganda prefer to watch Videos of Goats and Chickens, and in Mexico it’s Llamas.  Think about what that means, but don’t Obsess about it, either.  To confuse you even More:  Cats in the US get Four times the internet Traffic as Dogs, yet Dogs are the Object of more Web searches.  I wonder if Somebody got a Doctoral degree for figuring that out?  And Analyzing it to Death, surely.  And did their Thesis include a Section covering the State by State “Popularity” of our two supposed “Rival Species” as shown on the Map?  Should Cats be upset about America’s national attitudes in these Matters, or at least Bewildered?  Please, do not Insult us, and Thank you.  I will add that a canidae would make a much Better US Chief Executive than a felidae, but only if it’s a Labrador retriever, and better yet a Black one, for Obvious Reasons.  Labs have long been Consulted by any number of Sape Presidential Candidates, but I will not belabor the Obvious, and leave it to You to figure out Which Ones.

So what is There left to say on these Matters?  That’s right, Not Much, and thank You very Much.  Regular Interspecies Connection remains a Distant dream, despite Sape fantasies about AI.  Leave it to Sapes to assume Technology can Solve Everything, which ignores the Possibility that IC may not be Such a Great idea anyway.  And in their Hubris, Sapes typically deny or Ignore the fact that nonSapes might’ve been capable of IC since the beginning, but have Wisely Chosen not to bother, just as it is with the many Extraterrestrials who’ve been on the Planet since Forever.  ET’s are in touch with Us nonSapes all the time, by the way, and wouldn’t You just love to Know what We talk About?  It’s not always about You, as I bet you’d Assume.

There is one glimmer of Hope, here, if Hope is what’s called for (which maybe it’s not but that’s Up to You), and it concerns Haiku.  If you don’t know about Haiku, where have you Been?  Watching too many Cat Videos on your Little screen?  No matter, the point is Haiku is DIY poetry that is a Runaway Success in much of the world, with Scads of practitioners, most of them more or less Obscure but Beloved none the less.  And that they are Absurdly passionate about their Craft goes without Saying, in the same way That Cats lick and Dogs chase Sticks.  Anyway, this particular Poetic medium has offered Up an occasional Gem that reflects a True and sincere connection with felidae, in a way the Legendary poet Tom did not Approach, as far as this Cat is concerned.  In closing, I offer a few Choice Examples:

the sleeping cat

awakens in time

to take a nap

(John Budan)

my cat

looks so many places

beyond me

(Tom Clausen)

warm wind

the tip of the cat’s tale

dreaming

(David Kawika Eyre)

And with all Due Respect to Sape Haiku poets everywhere, here’s a Humble Submission from me:

existential angst

Sape despair

Rumpelteazer on Roomba

(Felice)

---