Hey friend, mind if I sit down over here? Back in another time, and a fine time it was for those of us who still remember, I would’ve just sat myself down without a word, but that darned pandemic sure changed everything, didn’t it? My God what a mess that was! And some say it’s not over and might never be over, ain’t that something? I can put on a mask if you’d like, never travel without one! I could offer you one, too, if you want – so waddaya say?
…..okay, thanks! And you can bet I’ll keep my distance! Though it doesn’t quite look like we have six feet here, does it? Wasn’t that the regulation or recommendation or whatever? Remember when people would kill for a bottle of hand sanitizer? You couldn’t find that stuff anywhere, along with rubbing alcohol! Hey, as I see it, you get up in the morning and leave the house and you’re always taking your chances, whether there’s a pandemic or a war or maybe just a banana peel in the wrong place that’ll send you flying off the sidewalk into somebody’s pickup truck, know what I mean? Do you think that’s true about banana peels or is that just a problem for people in cartoons, you ever thought about that? Maybe it’s time you did!
Just kidding! No really, it was a stupid notion! Anyway, you travel by bus much? I’ve always liked the bus, so much more easygoing than all that uptight bother you gotta put up with when you fly, and you see a lot more. And for me it’s a comfort to know if you gotta get off, like right now, they can let you off, though they might get a little peeved about it. Not that I’ve ever had to do that, but just try doing that on a plane! Like you’d get no sympathy, at all, maybe they’d even call the Air Marshal or get some undercover cop to restrain you somehow. I just don’t trust those air line people, know what I mean? There are a lot of people I don’t trust in this world, but you know, friend, for some reason I trust you, at least a little, and I hardly know you! You’ve got that kind of vibe, and trust me, I’m not trying to come on to you! If that were true I’d handle it a lot differently, believe me.
Anyway, is this your first time riding with Lucky Rabbit? I always heard these Chinatown buses were a good deal, but I had no idea how cheap they were! You ever ride with Fung Wah? I think those caught fire all the time, or something, as I recall. You don’t hear about them anymore, just like you don’t hear much about covid, so I guess the government is good for something, besides killing us with taxes! Do you think rabbits are lucky? I mean, there’s that rabbit’s foot thing, and where do you suppose that got started? I’m sure I carried one for awhile when I was a kid, probably saw somebody with one in some movie. They say the one to have is the left hind foot, best of all one from a rabbit killed at midnight in a cemetery. I didn’t make that up, but somebody sure did, and nobody ever thinks about how unlucky the whole thing is for the rabbit! You ever think about that? You think much about rabbits, at all?
Yeah, everybody tells me I ask too many questions! What they don’t get is that I almost never expect much of an answer – for me, answers are usually kind of a letdown, often as not. They take all the mystery and fun out of life, can you see that? Yeah, nobody else does, either. Anyway, I think about rabbits a lot these days. It’s the Year of the Rabbit, after all, and isn’t it funny how we’re both riding Lucky Rabbit right now? I mean, that’s gotta be extra special lucky, don’t you think? It’s funny how the Chinese are so hung up on luck – they’ve got this thing about the number eight for one thing, if you haven’t heard, and your fortune in the cookie always gives you a list of lucky numbers, and I guess they’ve got lucky colors and God or Confucius knows what else, ha ha. I’ve always heard you’re better off being lucky than rich, and I can see the point. Just think about the rotten luck of the billionaire in that submarine, for one thing, and all those other poor suckers along for the ride – what a way to go!
D’ya know that 1927 was also a Year of the Rabbit? Yeah, they come along every so many years. ’27 was the year Lindbergh flew the Atlantic, and there was a popular song, Lucky Lindy. D’ya suppose the guy carried a rabbit’s foot in his pocket, flying that overloaded single engine plane jammed full of extra gasoline, all on his own for 33 straight hours? They say he even got kind of lost a few times! Of course, later his kid got kidnapped and murdered – so much for luck! 1927 was also the year Babe Ruth hit 60 homers, a record that stood for 34 years! Yeah, he had incredible vision and eye-hand co-ordination, but the Babe was also a humble guy, or so I’ve heard, and he might’ve acknowledged a few moments where he got an unexpected fat pitch down the middle that made it easy, his kind of luck.
But hey, do you ever think about rabbits? I for one wouldn’t recommend it, as it can get really confusing, almost bewildering, really, as there’s so much that’s kind of contradictory when you get down to it. Kind of mystifying, though maybe in a good way that makes you think, and thinking is a good thing, right? Picture a bunny, for instance: maybe the cutest most harmless most innocent little thing in the forest, twitching its little nose and hopping about like they do. They’re all over Boston right now, in case you haven’t noticed, including really big numbers up there by the State House, of all places. Maybe they’re up there lobbying for something, like government-subsidized carrots! Yeah, I’m kidding but ain’t it something, how government works in a great democracy like ours? Of course I’ve heard that most rabbits are socialists, but that’s just a rumor. Ha ha!
It seems it was just a short while back there was hardly a bunny to be seen anywhere except maybe out in the country, where you’d also see the occasional backyard rabbit hutch, out there in somebody’s yard. Those always made me wonder: are these rabbits somebody’s pets, or are they headed for the fryer at some point? I mean, it’s one thing to run a pig or chicken operation, but what’s it like to murder Peter Rabbit, or his Disney pal, Thumper? It’s that cuteness thing again. I mean, I’m as carnivorous as the next guy but I think most meat-eaters draw the line at cute – you know, anything soft and furry with big round eyes that’s all about innocence and harmlessness and like that. Not just Thumper but Bambi, too! There’s a reason venison has never captured the imagination of the meat-eating public, along with horses. Unless you’re Russian, of course, or so I hear. And the French love their lapin, pardon my French.
Peter wore that cute little blue jacket – animals wearing human clothing have always bothered me, but hey, it was a kid’s book! And think about it: Peter, whose father was evidently murdered by McGregor and made into a pie, goes against his Mom’s advice and sneaks into McGregor’s garden seeking a meal. It gets him into the worst of all pickles, and in the end he barely escapes with his life. Yeah, it’s all just a charming escapade in the end, with charming illustrations, I guess, but it’s all a bit too weird, at least for me. I was more of a Thomas the Tank Engine kind of guy, if you know what I mean. Of course, he probably ran on coal, not such a good thing, but I figure he obtained it legitimately. Maybe now he’d run on solar power, or a rechargeable battery, seeing how those are all the rage and will save the planet. You think that’s true?
It’s possible Beatrix Potter was delivering some kind of deeper message, like hinting at how rabbits are among the worst of all agricultural pests. Things got so bad in Australia they built a fence across the whole country just to keep them out! No, of course it didn’t work, but they’ve more or less done the job with viruses and poison. Of course it didn’t help that there were no natural predators for the rabbits, which were introduced from Europe, not because they were cute but because hunters – who didn’t care about “cute”, I guess – preferred hunting them to whatever there already was to hunt in that country. Kangaroos? People can be so strange sometimes, wouldn’t you say?
Well, people might be strange but as I said, with rabbits it’s just confusing and contradictory and might I add even kind of paradoxical? As I said there’s the cuteness thing but then there’s the threat they pose to people’s gardens and farming operations. Maybe Monty Python was right in just making fun of it all, with that Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog skit in the Holy Grail movie, which skewers cuteness into total smithereens. Wasn’t that scene more than just hilarious, but gross and also kind of sobering? You can bet it kept me up a few nights, just thinking about it.
But hey, you want some real food for thought? Then you might take a look at some of that year-of-the-rabbit stuff, where you’ll get all kinds of notions about rabbit-ness or however you’d say it. You look there and you’ll find it’s all about how rabbits are calm and reserved and introspective and thoughtful, guarded and conservative and empathic to boot, peaceful and self-reflective. Wow. What kinda rabbits have they got in China, anyway? Yeah yeah it’s all supposed to be symbolic or whatever, I suppose.
But if you’re gonna buy into all that folklore, what about the other folklore, like with Aesop and his Tortoise and the Hare, where the rabbit seems pretty darn arrogant, if you ask me. And is this where we get started on what’s a rabbit and what’s a hare? Did you or anybody ever think much about that one? How we’re talking about two different species entirely, though they share the same order, which happens to be Lagomorpha? Have you ever noticed how almost nobody ever considers the distinction, and how even fewer people think in terms of lagomorphs? When’s the last time you used the term? And did anybody know what you were talking about? Just kidding, friend, but maybe you’ve got a few mammalogists in your social circle, as one never knows, do one?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I mean you’re no different from everybody else when it comes to this stuff, and I somehow feel it’s okey if I get a little passionate here about a topic close to my heart, in case you haven’t noticed. I’m telling you, it’s because of your vibe! You’re a good listener and I really appreciate it. Since screens took over all human activity, nobody listens anymore, because they don’t have to! And isn’t it great to straighten out all this stuff about rabbits and hares and lagomorphs in your mind? Especially when you’re about to ride the Lucky Rabbit all the way to New York City, for twenty bucks or whatever? Of course if you believe Aesop it’s possible it could take a long time to get there. Just kidding! This bus is supposed to be an express!
So yeah, Aesop was talking about a hare. When it comes to cute, bunnies have it all over hares, though the family resemblance is unmistakable. But hares just look fast, don’t you think? All trimmed down without an ounce of fat, they’re built for speed, you know? The fastest ones can do almost 50 mph, making them the 10th fastest land animal on this earth! That’s a glorious thing, but cute it ain’t. When it comes to avoiding confusion between hares and rabbits, it is no help at all that the most common local species, the American desert hare, is better known as the black-tailed jackrabbit. Avoiding confusion in certain areas of life is sometimes best approached from a position of total hopelessness, as my mother always said, and this seems to be one of those. Well no, she never really said that, she was way too upbeat, and hardly ever confused about anything.
Of course besides hares and rabbits there’s the jackalope. Oh c’mon, everybody’s heard of the jackalope! It’s all part of the weirdness and confusion running rampant through this particular thicket of information, or shall we say misinformation, though of the best tongue-in-cheek kind. So you’ve never been to Douglas, Wyoming? Me neither, but you can bet if I ever find myself on Interstate 25 out there between Cheyenne and Casper, I’ll be looking for that jackalope statue when I get to Douglas. Stories of jackalopes were already a thing when the first white people hit the western plains, but it was a Douglas taxidermist who made it into an enterprise in the late ‘30s. Sold stuffed ones, got lots of publicity and all that, long before the internet. Then there were the postcards.
And there are still those who claim it was a case of evolution in the real world, a cross between some near-extinct pygmy deer and a strain of vicious killer rabbits. Yeah, Monty Python was not all that original. And get this: the great state of Wyoming designated it the state’s official mythical creature, and the baseball team in Grand Junction changed its name from the Rockies to the Jackalopes just this past November, can you believe that? What’s that, Grand Junction is in Colorado? I guess the legend is spreading, but awfully slowly, and who’s to say there’s any consistency or sense here? D’you suppose the bus that goes to Douglas – if any bus goes to Douglas – is the Jackalope Express? It would make sense!
Of course, if you’re a biologist the hare/rabbit distinction is obvious, I suppose, but in most people’s minds I think some of the confusion goes back to Alice in Wonderland. The book starts with the White Rabbit, remember? Looking at his watch, worried about being late, wearing a waistcoat years ahead of Peter Rabbit, right before he disappears down that rabbit hole where it all gets very strange, indeed. Lewis Carroll was definitely onto something, and he coined the term “down the rabbit hole” in that book. The man was a genius, no doubt about it. We’ve sure gone down some kind of rabbit hole, here, wouldn’t you say? Okay okay so it’s just me, but are you starting to see why this is all so important? We’re getting there, or maybe we’ve already been there for awhile! Maybe it’s time to grab some sugary drinks and chips from the vending machine, though it appears to be out of order. Waddaya expect from a bargain bus line?
By the way, you look old enough to know about that song from 1967. You know the one, written and sung by Grace Slick (who was born as Grace Barnett Wing – nothing is as it seems here) on that album Surrealistic Pillow. Everybody had that album in my dorm! You could pave the road from here to Wonderland with all the album covers and posters that were around in the late ‘60s, and quite a colorful road it would be! We don’t need no stinkin’ yellow bricks! No, I don’t quite know what I am talking about there, but did you know that the song White Rabbit stands at #478 on the Rolling Stone list of the greatest 500 rock songs of all time? You’ll have to consult your phone to find out what the top ten are and no I don’t carry a phone, and you don’t want me to get started on that, either. And no, I’ve never done psychedelics, though not due to having any principlesagainst them. What about you? Did it change your life forever, friend?
It might be said that the White Rabbit, as drawn by John Tenniel in Carroll’s book, looks only marginally bunny-like, not all that cute really, but then later we get to the March Hare, looking all out-of-it (which he was) around tea time. In these pictures, it is quite impossible to make any visual distinction between the hare and the rabbit. In the England of Carroll’s day, there was the European rabbit and the brown hare and the mountain hare and it is possible nobody had a problem keeping it all straight. People in general were simply closer to nature in those days, which might’ve made a big difference. Let’s hope so.
It turns out “like a March hare” was a British expression for frenzied and strange behavior, and can you guess why? This gets us around to that other thing they say about rabbits and bunnies, and probably all lagomorphs, which happens to be, to put it gently, that they procreate prolifically, in case you didn’t know. Or to use a crude but well known expression, at least to any adolescent, they all “fuck like bunnies” and again, pardon my French. Did I say you were a good listener? I should also add I detest the pathetic over-use of the f-word in our culture nowadays, which has drained all the power from it and is another sign that the end times are near, another topic I will spare you, for now, and you are most welcome, or perhaps eternally grateful.
A biologist, or a farmer or gardener, could tell you all about this. You want I should do the math? Rabbits breed from early spring into the fall, up to seven times though three to four on average, and each litter can comprise between one and up to twelve awfully cute little critters, unless they happen to be hares, which may not quite match the bunnies for cuteness. Cuteness is in the eye of the beholder, that’s for sure. Bunnies, rabbits, whatever, have been a feature of spring celebrations and rituals going back to the pagans. Rebirth! Or shall we say rebirth over and over and over again, if you’re a bunny. Of course as with all things lagomorphic it has to devolve into weirdness and confusion. I speak of course of the Easter Bunny, spreading chicken eggs around the landscape for homo sapien youth to delightedly discover. And they are decorated chicken eggs, making things even stranger, and nowadays there are also chocolate and cream-filled eggs and I will spare you and not get started on peeps, which exist in multiple configurations, all of which are simply too horrible to contemplate. I am sorry if you’re a fan of peeps, but I must be honest here, and good listeners like yourself love honesty, right?
Sticking with the topic of bunnies and fecundity gets us to the most famous and notorious “bunny” of them all, namely the Playboy variety. Didn’t that Hefner fellow have some grand sense of humor, nudge nudge wink wink, and did the man not deserve his commercial success? So enough said about that, and it can be said he was working with material that runs deep in human cultural history besides all that appeal to primal male impulses. He knew his market. He was probably a pagan.
So you’ve no doubt heard something of Hugh Hefner, a major cultural historical figure even if he’s not your cup of tea (the March Hare’s line at the tea party, by the way, was “have some wine”, so wonderfully confusing, as is so much here). So have you ever heard of Lady Bunny? Anyone headed to New York City should be aware of her little share of New York cultural history. Her full name was Bunny Hickey Dickory Dock, and she was a well known drag queen, actor, comedian, and singer in the NYC of the ‘80s. Some event called Wigstock was her major claim to fame, but she also turned up on TV (an episode of Sex and the City!) and nowadays she’s no doubt branched into podcasting, because that’s what folks like her do. So many bunnies, so little time!
I can see by now you’re getting overly confused and mystified or maybe just plain bored with all this rabbit/bunny/hare conversation, or actually it’s much more of a monologue – hey, I’m not kidding myself. There’s not much more I can think to say about all this, really. All I got left is Bugs, and maybe Bugs is a good way to end this. Anyone who doesn’t know about Bugs must’ve been living under a rock or down some rabbit hole for the past 75 years, which might include at least a few people, I suppose, but I am assuming, friend, that you are not among them.
Bugs, of course, was known as a bunny from the get-go, but it is telling that his first cartoon was entitled A Wild Hare. Good old shape-shifting cross-dressing gender-bending trickster Bugs, whose best known work is probably What’s Opera, Doc?, one of the few cartoons you’ll find in the vaults of the US Library of Congress. Bugs, the rabbit with the Brooklyn accent who almost never appears in NYC in any of his many many cartoons. Bugs, who, like the bunny that he is, generated the most prolific output of any cartoon character in history. Please don’t tell me you’re not a fan – which is quite okay, of course, as you’ve been so unbelievably patient through all this, friend, for which I am truly grateful – but if you are not, that’s a bigger and more confusing mystery to me than all that has been said thus far. Ah, but the secrets of the human heart are the deepest mystery of all, and I just made that up and I’m sure it’s not very original.
And no, it’s probably not a great idea for us to share a seat on the bus. I can see you’re hankering to catch up on what you’ve missed on your phone. But hey, if you get a spare minute, I suggest you look up Hare-um Scare-um, or maybe Invasion of the Bunny Snatchers, or of course that one about the opera, if you need a laugh. After that, you might try that Marx Brothers movie, which I’ve always found hard to follow. Confusion is everywhere afoot, as Sherlock might say.
